Saturday, May 8, 2010

Terrible pain, possible Lance Armstrong: my nuts are putting a damper on the trip

Friday August 7, 2009

So last night we were camping in Chester IL. I realized I had some pain in my right testicle and had to take it easy walking around the campsite. Dugg and I sat and watched some volleyball tournament, I took a shower, had a snack, talked to people about our trip, and headed to sleep. The entire time I could not sit comfortably on the bench. Upon going to bed, my nut was in a lot of pain, I knew something was wrong.

This morning I woke up in even worse pain. I tried to be a trooper although I was moving slow. When I attempted to get on my bike saddle I immediately had to dismount because the pain was so bad. I took a deep breath and tried again. I didn't last 3 seconds on the seat until I had to get off again, breathing heavily, almost to the point of crying. Dugg and I decided to get some breakfast and then take a trip to the hospital to get to the bottom of this.

So we go to the hospital (2nd hospital trip so far on the journey) and we meet Joyce. She was the nurse that checked me in, asked me my allergies, which i replied "Sulfa and Women are my only weakness." Pretty much I went in laughing about the whole thing. I mean come on, I have been joking this whole time about how wearing spandex is going to inflict some detrimental damage to my balls. And now it has.

So they make me put on a silly gown, which I'm butt naked under. Dugg is taking pictures the entire time. The nurst askes me on a scale of 1-10, how bad is the pain, i tell her 11. Joyce tells me I get a male doctor, which I was sad about and told her I wanted a hot young doctor and she laughed.

The doctor comes in, physically examines me in the trauma room, and boy was this traumatic. I almost choked the doctor because when he felt my right nut (the bad one) I wanted to scream. He tells me there is obvious swelling, and maybe some torsion (twisting).

They now have to perform bloodwork, administer meds, and take an ultra sound of my balls. Sounds like a fun filled day to me. Joyce and another nurse come in and begin to take my blood. They had to take 5 vials, which I estimated to be about 50mL each, so that's 250mL, or a fourth of a liter. As they take my blood, I was sitting up, because laying down at this point hurts my nuts. I start to feel really light headed, and try to focus on my breathing, but before I know it, I pass out. I wake up 15 seconds later and they're asking me if I'm ok. what a rush. Then they proceed to ask my for a urine sample. After that they give me a butt shot with some antiinflammatory and then give me a dose of Vicadin, rad. This day keeps getting better, but the best is yet to come.

They bring out a wheelchair and scoot me into a dark room for my ultra-nut-sound. FINALLY the nurse is super cute, I am hopped up on drugs, just about everyone in the hospital has seen my balls, and this good looking hotty is the one who gets to feel them. She lays me down on the table and positions my little guys, then tells me she needs to put gel (lube) on them for the machine. She was so gentle, it was the first action I've scored on this trip. She was asking me about the trip while I'm laughing about all of this and telling her I really dig her shirt. This whole time she's rubbing a swizzle stick on my nether region and I'm getting a boner. hahahahahahahahahahahaa. Then she tells me she is going to take pictures for the file, and I ask her if there is any way I can get a copy.

So after this lovely encounter with Tara the mega hotty nurse, she makes me a CD with 37 images of my nuts. I will post them for all to see, because honestly it's fuckiing hilarious. There are even measurements that confirm my long time suspicion, my left ball is bigger than my right with 27.9 cubic centimeters vs 25.4 cubic centimeters. I knew it!!

After the wheel me back, Joyce comes by the hospital bed and asks how I'm feeling. I tell her "hungry." JACKPOT! She brings us BOTH out lunch trays. I got a HUGE salad with ranch dressing and cheese, a fruit cup with whipped cream on top, and a diesel fudge brownie. Dugg got pasta with sauce, green beans, and a bread stick-cheese bomb, along with the same beefy brownie. I don't think this trip gets any better. Dugg and I wanna get hurt more just for the food and free handjobs.

We have to take a few days off now, I'm not letting this crotch catastrophe stop me. I need to buy a jock strap to suspend my balls, a bigger bike saddle so they can rest during the ride, and ice them regularly to prevent the swelling. I can only imagine what kind of shit this is going to do in the long run to my future illegitimate children. They're going to come out sideways with 3 eyes, and be have frozen from all the nut icing. I hope you all get a kick out of this, because even if I wasn't hyped up on Vics, I'd be laughing histerically. Here are the pics, enjoy my nuts, this trip gets better everyday.
-Cole Bear out

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